Healing

Didi Love is one week old today! I haven't had time or energy to update any blogs until today. Dan is napping with the tadpole on the couch right now. It has been a crazy, wild, and beautiful ride, let me tell you. I will be sharing the birth story, however we all have more healing to do, both physically and emotionally. Didi is doing amazing. She is so beyond wonderful, so beyond my hopes and dreams, so beyond any star in this universe I may have ever reached out to touch. I love her and Dan, my little family, beyond words.


Along this healing path, I had a bit of a scare last night. Not with the baby, but with myself. I have pushing it way too hard, getting up improperly, not eating right, not drinking enough, not napping or sleeping, etc. I have been doing too much, when I should be resting and recovering. I've been experiencing a sharp pain in the left side of my incision. It was on the top of pain scale where all I wanted to do was cry and lay there. I could barely nurse Didi. This was coupled with the constipation which was caused by the epidural shutting down all of my organs. The hard stools are building and hurting my insides a lot.

Anyway, so last night I got up to go to the bathroom and the pain meds were not helping at all. I sat down and some blood starting flowing out, I thought it was a lot, but when I spoke with the nurse this morning, she said it was normal and I could bleed for up to 6 weeks, be it a vaginal delivery or a C-Section. However, I got the chills so bad, it felt like knives cutting through my body and breasts. I got back into bed and my violent shaking woke up Dan. We spent the next three hours trying to recover. It was scary. However I don't think it's an infection or anything because my temperature is fine and the incision still looks good. It was a combo of fear, pain, guilt, exhaustion, etc.

I spoke to the nurse this morning and she said it sounds like I am not drink enough fluids. I am dehydrated and that is causing hard stools, pain, more blood from pushing on my surgery area and uterus. When you breast feed, your body puts all essential nutrients and fluids in the milk first and then in your body. Well, I was not treating my body very well, just getting enough for my baby girl. I took a step back and said I HAVE to slow down, rest, eat, and drink a TON more water. It was so scary last night and this morning that Dan called into work to stay with me today. I am soooo beyond thankful for that. He is such a wonderful, dedicated, hard working, loving, supportive husband, I have no idea what I would do without him. He has made me meals, brought water, covered me in blankets, changed all dirty diapers, ran errands, and is now napping on the couch with Miss Didi. It was also an extremely long night for him, caring for both his girls.

It's just hard because I don't have much help during the week days. It takes a good two weeks to even heal slightly from this surgery. I'm not allowed to drive for two weeks, which I wouldn't want to on pain meds and feeling this way. There is so much to share with everyone and I am looking forward to coming back on here. It is very therapeutic for me to write, be it if anyone reads it or not.

I'll get through it. If I can labor for two days on all types of induction drugs then go into surgery, I can endure a little bit of pain.

La Sirena and the sweet one week old Tadpole

Just a quick update

Just a quick update. They decided to induce a day early. Baby's fluid was low and the measurement is big. They think she will be about 9.5 lbs. Here's hoping for the best. More info to come soon!

Send blessings our way~ La Sirena and Baby Tadpole

40 Weeks - Happy Valentine's Day!

I am officially past my due date now, 40 weeks. Some believe that labor starts because the baby releases a hormone indicating to your body that she is ready to come out. So far that has not been the case with this baby. We went to Estes yesterday to try to get things going again. We walked about three miles at the lake, went and had a greasy lunch, then went downtown to get our mountain cookies. My uterus did get hard quit a few times, but nothing in regular intervals. I never thought I would say this, but I welcomed the pain. I welcomed the tightening and the small back aches, thinking this could be it and that we would be kissing baby's tiny face soon. All the way down the mountain, it felt tight, then would release. Plus baby was on my cervix practically all day.

We got home and relaxed and the tightening kind of faded. I had my pot of raspberry red leaf tea and it was gone completely. I actually slept amazingly well last night. Every time I get up to pee or do something in the house, my pelvis feels fuller and like she is just hanging on in there. She's not moving as much, mostly after dinner until bedtime these days. I know she barely has any room though. I have a doctor's appointment on Monday morning for yet another non stress test. She's going to check me once again and then we're discussing the induction for Wednesday. She said it's been super busy there so maybe it will be Wednesday, we'll see.

We woke up to snow this morning, maybe about two or three inches. Now the sun's out and it is beautiful. My boobs kind of hurt, so I can tell the pressure is heavier than normal - which is said to bring babies.....not mine though. She's super comfy in there. I'm trying to decide what to do today. Every weekend I have been running errands, cleaning, walking, chores, etc. My mom is up in Ft Collins getting in some time with my other sister, so I kind of have the day to myself. One part of me just wants to go back to bed for a while and read my book, then watch a movie and lay on the couch. Another part of me wants to sew something, emboss a few cards, and then clean a few rooms. I can't decide if I should expend or save my energy at this point. Maybe I should do both. Maybe I should cut the pattern for my skirt, make the cards, then take a nap, then clean. Hmmm. I don't know.

To all a beautiful love filled Valentine's Day.
La Sirena and Baby Tadpole

Due Day

Today or yesterday would have been a great day for a birthday, the numbers are very appealing. However, baby and universe are not yet ready to meet and I need to trust that. My due date is today, which is great, however first born babies usually come late. All fine and dandy, but I’m under two pressures at this point. First, with my diagnosis of gestational diabetes, they don’t want me to go over more than like three days. Second, my mom is coming on 2/11 and she has to leave 2/23, so of course I want ample time with her and baby. So if I don’t go into labor, it will be a race for induction to meet both deadlines. Ugh!

All of my being is hoping to go into natural labor. Of course, this is the ideal situation. This is what I want to experience. I hate the thought of being chemically induced. I want to wait 41.5 weeks before that would be an option, but mom would be gone on the day they would agree to that (which the doctor would never agree to that). There are several reasons I do not want a chemically induced labor, which scare me. If I am not effaced enough, they will use a pill called Cytotec which has been proven to cause plancenta previa and hemorrhaging (not in all cases of course). I asked my doctor for other choices, because there are, such as prostaglandin gel (this is similar to evening primrose oil and what is found in semen). She skirted answering the question. After the cervix is effaced enough, they would chemically induce with Pitocin. Pitocin is a chemical replica of Oxytocin, the natural hormone in a woman's body that cause contractions.

It is very hard to have a natural labor on pitocin because you are continuously hooked to an IV, an external fetal monitor, and contraction monitor. Pitocin also makes the contractions harder, faster, and closer together compared to natural contractions. You are forced to stay in the bed and do not have freedom of movement. Not having the freedom of movement and the use of water makes it very hard for a woman that was planning natural childbirth to deal with the pain and about 90% end up with an epidural. Then you end up with a catheter and no feeling from the waste down, which effects baby and stunts the breastfeeding from the start. Most babies born under epidural or C-Section end up having breastfeeding problems, not all, but most. I brought all of this up with my doctor and she didn't agree with me and didn't offer any explanation as to why. I was the one with the research in hand. Anyway, she said I would have use of the birth ball and walking in the room, but I didn't believe her.

There are other issues with the use of pitocin. It increase the risk for a C-Section. Due to the contractions being harder and stronger, there have been cases of the placenta separating from the uterus wall before the baby is born, causing heavy bleeding and fetal distress. The baby is also more likely to have a bowel movement in utero, which can also cause distress and complications after birth. Then the baby would be taken away from us and put in ICU. There would be NO bonding time, NO breastfeeding time, nothing. That makes me sad to think about. There is also a chance of fetal distress due to lack of oxygen because of the harder and stronger contractions with no break or intervals like in natural birth, hence the continuous fetal monitoring. The situation usually ends in a C-Section.

Oh so many things to think about. Like my hubby pointed out, sometimes it feels like we're preparing for war. Seriously, we have taken almost no time to realize and daydream about the new life we are bringing into this world. It feels like it has been all preparation and now the questions we ask ourselves of "How and will Sirena go into labor? What will baby's birth story be to share? Will we be prepared? What will be suggested?" So many questions. It's the interventions that are scary, the unknown and what someone will try to do or suggest that we may not be comfortable with. Ultimately, I am in charge of my own body and make my own decisions, I also have great advocates with me that know me and the situation at hand: Hubby Dan and Doula Michelle. I also have a great support team, Mom and Hil and Aunt Pat. Sometimes I wonder though: Is ignorance truly bliss? Maybe I know too much at this point.

I am trying to find a good balance in all of this and hopefully there will be good news today at my appointment. I am more and more excited to see my little baby and hold her and love her. That's what matters. Dan and I will be there for her, no matter what path this labor takes. As long as she feels our love and a connection, we will be there. I have an appointment today, if I am dilated and effaced enough they will try a natural labor induction. It is sweeping of the membranes. It's when the doctor will push the bag of waters away from the cervix and sweep the mucus plug. If the body agrees and is ready, I should go into labor within 24 - 48 hours. This sounds like a much less invasive way to start labor. I've also tried walking a lot. Saturday I did 5.5 miles, Tuesday and Wednesday night I did 3.5 miles each. Hopefully this has brought baby down and effaced me and dilated me more. I have had a few contractions in the past three days, but just braxton hicks.

Well, I am off. Wish me luck, I will post an update this afternoon..................

La Sirena and Baby Tadpole

39 Weeks and the worst heartburn ever

I officially can't stand the heartburn anymore. No seriously, I have like three Tums a day, but I want way more than that. I don't even know what to do, sometimes I just want to cry. Thankfully I have only experienced this extreme of heartburn the past two and half weeks, some women have it a lot longer. This being my 39th week, my due date is 2/11, however since the doctor's office goes Sunday to Sunday, they have my due date as 2/14. So technically, my full 40th week would end on 2/18 (or 2/21 per the doctor's office). Since I have gestational diabetes, they will check me on 2/11 and if I am dilated enough, they will scrape my membranes, which should naturally induce labor. If I am not dilated enough, they will chemically induce the week of 2/14 (cringe).

I do not believe in induction until at least the 41st week is through. I think babies know when it is right to enter the world and I trust that my body knows when it is right too, however I also don't want to put her under any stress that is not warranted. I have to go twice a week to these non-stress tests, which keep showing me and the doctor that she is perfectly fine. Everything is coming along, I mean I haven't even gone over the due the date yet. However the doctor does think she will be big by next week, like 9.5 lbs. But if you look online, a 'normal' size baby is considered anywhere from 7.5 - 9.5 lbs, so I am not worried.

I am ok with them checking me this Thursday and scraping membranes. I feel kind of pressured to let them do it, because my mom is coming in and she only has a certain amount of days she can stay and we surely could use her help once baby is here. I'm ok with the natural induction, but if I am not dilated enough, I just know what's coming the next week and it's not going to be fun. It will be sometime the week of 2/14, they will decide on a date this Thursday. It makes me sad that some doctor should be able to choose my baby's birthdate, it goes against the laws of the universe, I so highly and rightly believe in. Or maybe the universe is speaking through the doctor? I don't know, it's too much to think about really and too sad.

This past Saturday I walked 5.5 miles. I would do this every evening, but now since the snow decided to show up, there's no chance of walking outside. Ugh! It doesn't snow for almost two months and then when I need the sidewalks to be clear and the temp to be warm, it decided to snow non stop for two days!! Darn it!! I'm going to look up some stuff on doing the eliptical, maybe that would help? I just don't think it is as good as walking because it is so low impact and walking would really help my hips. I guess anything helps though.

Swimming in this sea of life,
La Sirena and baby tadpole

I Caved

I had my second doctor's appointment this week. It went ok, baby is not active in the mornings, so it takes a long time on those NST tests. On Monday the doctoer asked if I wanted to be checked and I declined. But today, since I wasn't feeling well the last couple of days, I was interested to see maybe if something was happening. She checked and really there is not much happening. There is a slight bit of progress. I am about 33% effaced, which is the thinning of the cervix. I am 1cm dilated, which it needs to be 10cm in order to have the baby. Then baby is at stage -2. This one is a bit harder to explain. Baby is dropping from being high, to being in the pelvis. At stage -3, it means she is technically not dropped, the uterus is still high in the body. So -2 is a progress, even though it feels like she is literally in my cervix and about to fall out at night. The stages go -3, -2, -1, 0, 1,2,3, you can guess what the 1,2,3 are, she is in the pelvis and crowning.

I called and let my mom know because she was planning on coming out this Saturday. Well, doctor said it could be 2 weeks. Everything looks fine, she's coming along nicely. I'm thinking my mom should change her ticket to Saturday 2/13 now, since she can only stay two weeks, what if I had the baby on 2/15? That would stink to only have mom there for a few days to help. Plus I'll be working the entire time she is here if I don't have the baby, because I don't have any days to just take off. I have to work right up to "go time". Then baby comes and I am off work for 12 weeks.

Babies come when they want to, when the time is right. We'll see!
La Sirena and cozy Tadpole